My life was really calm this time 3 years ago. Mayhem ensued. I made so many new friends and my social life skyrocketed. I became impulsive and self destructive. I only cared about one thing. And then I ripped myself apart by leaving a very abusive situation.
But the self destruction continued until I left or lost almost everyone. I was sad and angry and I hated the world.
I isolated for months. I cried so much. I dealt with my past and my demons ( I still do ), and I got better. I learned to love myself.
So this self isolation for me is familiar, but also strange. Here, with my bf, I am loved. There is no gaslighting, no being controlled, put down, no being insulted or demeaned or abused. Only, sadly, that’s what felt like home. Because that was my environment when I was little. That’s what feels familiar to me.
So I find myself trying not to think about the abuse and to just be present, but it scares me. I always believed that things don’t stay good, you have to pay for them, sometimes dearly.
But I am working on it. Working on accepting that to be loved is good, that it’s safe, and that it’s ok to be happy.
But also to accept, in these times, that it’s a way of life we are losing. For me, it’s two. The abuse and going outside and seeing my friends and family.
But it doesn’t have to be all bad. It’s doesn’t have to be bad at all. We just have to make it good 😊
Stay home, but chat live with your friends and family, do what you love, move, breathe, love. It’s going to be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, then it’s not the end 💕
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